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Yonglism is a ditheistic faith centered around two deities: Yongle, the bringer of all things good, and Jianwen, the bringer of all things evil. Yongle, the ruler of Ming China in the early 15th century, resides on the moon, watching over Earth as he always intended. On Earth, he is represented by his apostles. Most prominent among the apostles are the Magistrates: Yongcclesiarch, Yongle-Father, Praetor, [TITLE] and Baked Yongquisitor.
The foundations of Yonglism can be summarized in these four tenets:
1. Yongle resides on the Moon and watches over Earth, his favored planet.
2. Yongle is the source of all good, and Jianwen is the source of all evil.
3. The Magistrates enforce the will of Yongle on Earth in accordance to the Yongle Meta.
4. Heresy is the expression of Jianwen’s corruption and must be combatted.
Yongle and the Yongloids are locked in an eternal struggle with the evils beset upon the universe by Jianwen and his Mongols. This ditheism is the foundation of the Yonglian faith.
The primary values of the Yonglian faith include orthodoxy, loyalty, respect, order, purity of faith, absolute devotion, and strict adherence to official doctrine. Heresy and disloyalty are relentlessly punished.
The Origin of Yonglsim
Untold millennia before the Big Bang, there was balance in the universe. Yongle and Jianwen ruled as Yin and Yang. The Yongloids and Mongloids were under their respective dominions. The universe was divided in half between them.
But then, Yongle and Jianwen got into a fight, a horrible fight, over who got to rule over Earth. Jianwen took his Mongols and sent them, led by Genghis Khan and his heirs, to conquer Earth in his name. They failed, but not before retreating to Mongolia. Seeing this failure, Jianwen himself came to Earth and ruled over China. But Yongle too came to Earth, and led a revolt to kill Jianwen. In this he failed, and Jianwen fled to Southeast Asia where he created the Pasai.
Yongle sent Zheng He to locate Jianwen, but this endeavor failed as well. After the death of Yongle's earthly body, Yongle fled to the Lunar Palace. The location of Jianwen is still unknown, but this is guaranteed: he is still plotting to destroy everything about Yongle.
Yonglian Stories and Legends
Legendary events. While not corroborated by many modern texts, Yongloids hold these to be true.
The Pasai War
This takes place in some unspecified time in history.
The Yonglian Empires ruled over all land between Siberia and Vietnam, and laterally between California and Afghanistan. To their south, however, lay the Pasai, the first of the devils created by Jianwen after he fled from China. The Pasai ruled over Burma, Siam, the Malay Peninsula, and the Indonesian Islands. The Yongle-Father declared a Brutal Sexy Conquest on the Pasai, and mobilized the Yongloids for war.
The Confucian Fists, the Right and Left Hands of Yongle, the Legion of the Condemned, and the Paladium of Yongle’s Light were organized to invade Southeast Asia. The Legion and the Hands opened up a front in Siam, pushing the Pasai as far south as Cambodia. Meanwhile, the Fists and the Paladium began an ambitious venture. The plan was for them to travel south by sea, land near Singapore, and push north, trapping the Pasai.
They never made it. In the Malacca Strait, they met the Pasai horde. Their planes blotted out the sun and the only light available came from explosions. The battle lasted for weeks, with ships and submarines and airplanes duking it out in the strait. The Yongloids fought bravely, and killed an innumerable amount of Pasai soldiers, but in the end, the horde overcame them. Every single member of the Paladium was killed, and the Confucian Fists were crippled in strength. The Pasai ruled the seas, and the Yongloids were forced to send reinforcements over land, which was much slower than by sea.
Meanwhile, the campaign to the south came to a screeching halt. The stalemate became a meat grinder, slaughtering countless Yongloids and countless Pasai, with little gain to show for it. In a small hamlet The entire Right Hand was wiped out in a 10:1 battle, the Left Hand routed, retreating to Pyongyang and taking Korea out of the war. In Yonglian-occupied Pasai lands, a vicious guerilla war threatened to undo every gain the Yongloids made. For the Yonglian soldiers on the front, every step forward cost a million men, and every step backward cost a million more.
The Pasai drove the Yongloids back, conquering much of Vietnam in the process. Subsequent wars would grant no victory to the favored of Yongle. The defeat against the Pasai was bloody, disgraceful, and humiliating. It remains to this day the greatest failure of the Yongloids.
THE GREAT THUG WAR
The Thug War began in Italy during the 12th century, in central Italy. Stentore di Verona wanted to crush his rival, a Yongloid, so he hired and trained a group of thugs to seize his trade post. For months, groups of up to 25 men battled each other over this trading post. This war was successful in securing Yonglian dominance over the region.
The Miracle of the Brick
On an average pilgrimage on March 3, 2016, the Yongloids rescued a brick from the clutches of Barton Malow. The Yongle-Father blessed it, and for this act Yongle rewarded the Yongloids and bestowed snow upon them, even though it was 50° Fahrenheit.
Denny’s®: To a Yongloid, every Denny’s® (America’s Diner®) restaurant is considered a temple. These holy places provide a safe place of worship, relaxation, as well as birthday handies and blowie joeys by the dumpster system out back.
Hoxha’s Bunkers: Enver Hoxha had bunkers built throughout Albania, which today are Yonglian temples.
Megalodon Lake: A small pond formed by rainwater next to the PAC that was home to a Megalodon. It was filled in with gravel by Barton Malow as an act of aggression against the Yongloids.
Outdoor Classroom: A Yonglian Temple.
The Guest Bathroom at the Ginger's House: A Yonglian temple.
Vape Shelter: A secluded area near the dreaded Barton Malow trailers. Yongloids congregate here to skip class, vape with their e-cigs, and conspire against Barton Malow. Unfortunately destroyed as of July 2016.
The Lunar Palace: The immaculate residence of Yongle, constructed by masterful architects on Luna. This sprawling compound spans the entire so-called “dark side” of our moon, hidden from human eyes, and is built to house the entirety of the Table of the Lords upon their reaching Luna. Yongle’s palace contains rivers of kvass, mountains of dosh, and has a -99.9999(...)% rating on the LOP index.
The Great Salt Lick Book: It's a book that’s also a salt lick. Go figure.
Kvass: The holy beverage of Yongle.
The Grand Slam® Menu: Denny’s® Grand Slams® are the traditional holiday foods of Yonglism.
The Bucket of Bologna: An oakwood bucket stolen from Bologna by soldiers from Modena, sparking the War of the Bucket in 1325.
The Tarpaulin of LaVoy: LaVoy Finicum, the Tarpman's, blue tarp. Rumored to kill any government employees who touch it.
Автомат Калашникова 1947: Сука блядь, ХАХАХАХАХАХАХА.
Yongle’s Sword: Pretty self-explanatory. The hilt looks like a dong.
Liqueur of Yongle (Batch #0001): A strange green drink that was intended as a replacement for Kvass when a trip to City of Kvass was impractical. After almost killing the Yongle-Father, the idea was abandoned and the Kvass was sealed away. Currently, the bottle is inhabited by precipitation of unknown origin, possibly bacteria from when the Yongle-Father spit it up.
The Brick: A brick rescued from Barton Malow’s evil clutches and blessed by the Yongle-Father. The blessing caused snow to fall when it was far too warm outside, an event known as the Miracle of the Brick.
Glawk Fo’ty: Yo nigga dis mah Glawk Fo’ty dis mah problem solva’ you talkin’ shit Ima come up dere an’ flash my Glawk maybe pop you nigga Im hard as shit nigga.
Schlong: A Thermos that was repurposed to deliver Yonglian punishment and blessed with the blood of the executed orange.
Prayers and Chants
Wololo: The primary prayer chant of the Yongloids. If one Yongloid says it, it is customary for all nearby Yongloids to repeat it. Not replying is heretical.
Aiyo Yo Yo: Another prayer chant of the Yongloids. Less common and usually not repeated like Wololo.
Waaaaaaaaaaaagh: A war chant of the Yongloids.
Mother Dick: A war chant of the Yongloids. Used only when outnumbered. This war chant signals berserk fury amongst the Yongloids.
Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks: A letter sent by the Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire. The greatest roast in human history.
Where’s the Caveman?: Am I glad he's frozen in there and that we're out here, and that he's the sheriff, and that we're frozen out here, and that we're in there and I just remembered we're out here. What I wanna know is where's the caveman?
Songle of Yongle: The hymnal of the Yonglian faith. See holy song list for more details.
The Yongle Encyclopedia: You don't know? I wouldn't worry about it.
1 February: The anniversary of the Yongle Meta.
3 March: The Miracle of the Brick. During an average Silk Road pilgrimage, the Caravan rescued an unholy brick from Barton Malow’s slave pits, and blessed it. Yongle awarded them by revealing his powers. He cast snow upon the Yongloids, even though it was over ten degrees fahrenheit above freezing.
2 May: To celebrate Yongle’s “birth” (to put it in more understandable terms) in 1360, Yongloids
17 July: To celebrate Yongle’s ascendence to the throne of China in 1402, Yongloids ritually burn an effigy of Jianwen and
12 August: To celebrate Yongle’s leaving his Earthly body in 1424, Yongloids
Day of Feasting: On the first Sunday after Thanksgiving, Yongloids feast again. This day commemorates the Denny’s Synod of 2015.
“THE CONTRA IS THE SHIELD OF FAITH. YONGLE GUIDES THE CONTRA AND THE CONTRA GUIDES YOU, WITH FURY, INTEGRITY, AND ZEAL. ALL MUST BE QUESTIONED. NOTHING IS INNOCENT OF HERESY. WE EXPECT XENOS AT EVERY CORNER, MONGOLS IN EVERY SOUL, AND JIANWEN IN EVERY HOME. AND WITH OUR ENDLESS GAZE WE SHALL PUNISH HERESY WITH THE RIGHTEOUS HANDS OF YONGLE.”
Garry’s mod RPing is to be considered a waste of time and is completely heretical:
Results in Thermos of good games (aka Schlonging).
Humans with the skin pigment of purple are to be considered heretical and executed:
Destruction at any means necessary.
Homogay is banned just like any other good religion (all the cool religions are doing it):
Results in Flames of Yongle.
Questioning any arbitrary laws:
Results in 1 good game.
Failing to respond to a wololo:
Results in 1 good game.
Setting your phone’s date to before June 1970:
Results in 100 good games.
Giving an unsanctioned good game:
Results in 5 good games per unsanctioned good game.
Assisting a Barton Malow insurgent:
Results in the Rite of Purity.
Speaking positively about a Mongol:
Results in 20 good games.
No touching my Bosnian bought her fair and square so hands off:
Results in conscription into the Legion of the Condemned.
Whip and Nae Nae (singular, isolated whips are acceptable):
Results in Tarring and Feathering, Censure and, if the Yongle-Father chooses, excommunication.
Failing at Denny’s Trivia:
Results in immediate excommunication.
Mispronouncing Yongle as Yong-lee:
Results in the Flames of Yongle or 50 good games.
Driving on roads in Planetside 2:
Results in the Arena of Good Games.
Owning or speaking positively about Gall-Peters or Mercator Projection maps:
Results in 2 good games.
Saying damn Daniel:
Results in 1 good game.
Unironic Minion memes:
Results in the Arena of Good Games.
Using Zaporozhian as a noun:
Results in 1 good game.
Taking the Brick from Father Krupp:
Results in 10 good games.
Missionary sex with the purpose of reproduction:
Results in the Kvass Chug.
Results in extermination.
Punisments may be applied even if no explicit law is broken, if willed by a 6-man council of the Magistrates and/or their deputies.
The Basilica of Good Games: A sick place of dead Yongle followers giving constant Good Games to those who are banished here.
Arena of Good Games: Exactly what it sounds like. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Good Game: Traditional Yongloid punishment. Involves slapping the victim on the back or on the buttocks while quickly chanting the words “good game.”
Hammer of Good Games: A strike upon the buttocks using a tree branch. Counts as ten good games.
Excommunication: The subject is expelled from Yonglian religious proceedings, and is stripped of any Yonglian offices the subject held. Can only be granted by the Yongle-Father.
Censure: The subject is barred from holding any Yongloid office.
Rite of Purity: This Rite should not be considered absolution because the victim lives. The Yongquisitor will replace the thoughts and feelings of a heretic with “Yongle’s Purity” leaving him a brainless automaton with no emotions that serves our most gracious Lord.
Thermos of Good Games: A short and fat soup thermos (named Schlong) is pressed with the lid outside one's anus, then slapped full force on the bottom. Also known as "Schlonging".
The Glossary of Generality
Mongols: The chosen of Jianwen. Also called Mongloids or Mongolians, they are the polar opposites of the Yongloids. Must be removed.
Jianwen: The anti-Yongle, the creator of all other devils. Once Yongle’s other half, he became Yongle’s sworn enemy when he sent the Mongols under Genghis Khan to conquer Earth. Predecessor of Yongle as Emperor of China, Jianwen was overthrown and “killed” by Yongle in 1402. In reality, he fled China into Southeast Asia disguised as a Buddhist monk. His current location is unknown.
Barton Malow: Must be removed. They are the oppressors of the Yonglian Faith, and are rumored to replace people with robotic synths. They have waged open war with the Yongloids by destroying the Megalodon Lake.
Xeno: Aliens. Created by Jianwen to block the path to enlightenment. Literally. They live on a chain made out of heretical planets which Yongle uses to tow the Earth. The Yongloids fear that one day Jianwen will send the Xeno to invade and conquer Earth for Jianwen. Must be removed.
Pasai: Archenemies of the Confucian Fist and heathen invaders of Southeast Asia. Created by Jianwen after he fled to Southeast Asia. Defeated the Yongloids in the Pasai Wars. Some of the most powerful and most dangerous enemies of the Yongloids
Scientology: Literally claim to be agents of the Aliens, and so should be considered as extremely dangerous.
LOP Index: The Lack of Pussy index indicates the female population of any group or location. 100% LOP means there are no women, -100% means no men, and 0% means there is a 50/50 split.
Megalodon: Disappeared after the destruction of the Megalodon Lake. Location currently unknown. Some unconfirmed accounts say he is held captive by Barton Malow.
Table of the Lords: A collective term for the Yonglian world, like the “Dar al-Islam” in the Islamic world.
Brutal Sexy Conquest (BSC): Has two meanings. It can be a Yongloid holy war, similar to the Christian Crusade. It can also mean a mission given to the whole Table of the Lords. Has nothing to do with sex, has everything to do with battle. I promise.
Boris’ Cuddle Club (BCC): Every Thursday two random Yongloids are selected to sit next to Boris during lunch. They sit very close to Boris. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)